Saucy Faucet

I am up. and I am so tired! I have to work open to closes to make up for the time I spend down South... I am happy to do it, but I find myself a little impatient with parents at the portrait studio. The children are fine-but I get annoyed at parents wanting their kids to be little perfect dolls! They are kids!!! Let them be children! It's so frustrating to take a picture of a baby who is smiling, looking adorable and the mom says "her little pinky finger is sticking up at an odd angle." Wha?!?!?! oh well.

I have to figure out what I am doing next. Where the hell do I want to go? My brother is having a baby and my family likes to use that as a reason not to move too far away. I love David and Beth, but my brother and I grew up not geographically close to our families, and we loved them very much just the same... I miss the money I could have made in California had I actually charged people enough money--and mostly I miss my California friends.

When I was in Slidell, I was thinking of working for a paper. Patrick had just quit the Times-Picayue before the checked out... Most important things to me: friends, travel, clicking a shutter for a living and feeling like I have made a difference in the world. I suffer from like everybody does--am I really good enough? but that talk in my head is just noise-because it doesn't matter if I am good enough- I still have to click the shutter. Even if I showed no one. And beyond that- it would be a quiet forest if only the best bird sang and no one benefits from living small.

One of my most humiliating moments was when I applied for the Peace Corps in college and the recruiter in front of all the other people applying to the Peace Corps from james MAdison University said, "You are WAY too fat! You need to lose weight! Did you ever try the Cabbage Soup Diet?" I was thinking yesterday after I got the WW news that I am now down 64--and only three pounds still into 200--almost at my next big goal of weight starting with a 1--I could probably go into the Peace Corps without anyone batting an eyelash--but I imagine there are jobs as a photog there. And wouldn't it be better to work like a demon in the states and sponsor one's own travel? Then, if it's just seriously WAY TOO HOT in Zambia, I get to go home.

Anyway- I need to work on that--and figure out what to do because seriously, and I have told friends this over the years, not making a choice is making a choice. but I also believe that when you're ready you just do it- like me leaving LA.

Shandon told me the other day that Ajay is famous for saying if someone hasn't figured it out by thirty then they're just a loser who will never figure it out. I know that's crap, but it's swimming around in my brain as well and I am trying to dump worries so I can go back to bed.

I was so happy to go back South and see Ella. I got completely lost in Biloxi without having someone else guide me around. The Heartbreak Hotel is cleared out- signs down and people gone- no clue what happened to them. Saw Joe (who had two-bits the dog on the car) he's still squatting in a rubble pile next to the hospital...

and Ella. I had missed her. I think she's getting worn down. She was telling me that it was thirty days and although she wouldn't complain- i think that the situation is getting to her. The Nat'l Guard came and busted out her ceiling--her home is a sight--I took a picture or two which I will get up tomorrow... I didn't take many pictures this past time because it was a short trip and I had the feeling people were over getting pictures taken and just wanted the situation to change.

I only stayed with Ella a few hours and headed over to Louisiana. I was braced for worse-although seriously, what's worse that total destruction? and was happily surprised to actually see businesses open and restaurants! WOW!!! I think Slidell had more moeny to start and that is part of the difference. People there will be covered my insurance--Shawn's Mom reminded me there's a 250,000 cap on lots of it, but that is still way better than Ella and her neighbors. Uninsured with nothing but sticks--and no businesses open *at all* in Biloxi! There are a million hurricane problems to report--but you can read the news for that.

There are lots of hurricanes solutions... Mom and Dad helped assemble 4,000 backpacks with school supplies, to take down to ocean springs for schoolchildren... The Red Cross, loved in MS is getting lots of flack in LA for not being fast enough... I saw red cross vans from Virginia, Washington, illinois... filled with weary workers... I wanted to give them all a hug. Shawn's family is working hard to get people hooked up with power-under extremely hard circumstances... they still have half they vehicles and a third of the manpower they need and twice the demand...

I saw Shawn's stuff. Very much of it is completely unsalvagable... I am holding out hope that I can help her save a few albums--I am excited that my old job at Silver Lab did restorations now and then and i did it at photo school as well, so I think I can help her. When she goes there- I will head back down and see what we can do.

The animal shelter in Slildell has 300 + animals and has only reunited 52 animals with their owners. I wanted to take home a fuzzy buddy- but the not having a idea of what I am doing prevented me. When I figure out my next move-maybe i will adopt a furball.

I was driving home listening to U2-- thus the quotes and cameraphone photos. They lyrics are from "Faraway, so Close!", "One" and "Beautiful Day" all hit me in the right spot. God bless Bono-how can some middle-aged rich guy from Ireland get how I was feeling just then... Maybe music is proof we're all cut from the same cloth. I was thinking as I was driving- and I know this isn't always true... that we celebrate in groups-- and when we mourn we feel so isolated. Or I guess when you go through pain you feel like it is unique- that you are alone that it's isolating-it's not really true- people are hurting with you and you shouldn't have to grieve alone- I saw over and over in Biloxi that when people asked for things they got them. I need to remember to have the courage to ask when I need things. So many times when I felt alone I would just sit around and wait for someone to notice--I should be better about reaching out. I like to say that there is never a net-you have to be brave and I believe it, but I haven't always been brave about telling people when I need help and I should do that more.

Which leads me to the next big thing on my brain so I can go to bed. it's lame and stupid--I saw ellen and marc call me an angel on buzznet- sweet but inaccurate--it made me think- yeah, an angel who can't get a date! :) I told myself- why is it always that, wens? let it go! worrying about it is a waste of energy. but what woke me up was a dream, I think? that might as well be true. I met a nice guy, had a great time, heard nothing from him. I dreamt his sister called and said, "I wanted to break the bad news that he really didn't like you."

okay wens, A. you're not for everybody, which is good. and B. who cares! people either get you or they don't and this is nothing to wig out over. I felt myself immediately think- you're too unpolished. In fact, you're not polished at all!! Paint your nails once in a while-- wear some jewerly, buy some heels for chrissake and stop cussing- your vacbulary is large enough to not need to say shit all the time. (btw, my mom was going to point someone towards my blog and then reconsidered because I'd said hell. WTF!?!?!) I do need to stop cursing, dammit.

I told a friend recently that all your faults and all your defects are exactly what's needed right now. and I believe it. besides the endless self-criticism just leads you to spiral down the drain and that doesn't help anyone- so wendy--get your feces together just put one foot in front of the other and you can start that by going back to bed. You have a ton of babies to shoot tomorrow.